Sadness like water, raining down, raining down . . . | Permalink

Finally, after a few weeks of extreme hot temperatures and a water shortage approaching, rain has come upon us. Its fresh scent and cold body refreshed me as I worked on the roof, with a sunburn on my neck, breathing horrid dust coming from dead bodies and spiderwebs hidden under the roof's tiles. The sun got covered with dark, cummulus nimbus clouds. There was a cool breeze coming from the east, as I brushed the dead corpses off the roof tiles and dust flew to my eyes and face. I looked up at the sky and saw those dark clouds hover upon our heads.

The temperature rose a little bit, the sky became dark and the air became filled with sound.

A drop fell nearby, brief but loud, like a bullet. Then, thousands followed.

I rushed to brush the last roof tiles, but didn't manage it as raindrops became bigger and bigger. The air was becoming colder as I walked down the stairs. Once I got to a dry place, I watched the rain fall outside, peacefully, calm.

The rain is one of those things I like of this world. And I find it very enjoyable, peaceful. But I always say the same thing since a year ago, you can find it generous and happy, or you can find it cold, sad, like tears. Tears from God? From the heavens?

Life may seem a dream, it is horrible, yet so beautiful. Will we ever wake up? Yes, one day, when we all know what life is, and when we let our past go, when we give in to the present, the only time frame of our real existance. We live in the past, yes, we do. But it is gone, it is nothing, as trees turn to wood, as wood turns to ashes, as ashes become dust. At the present state of life, nothing of what happened before will come back. There is no rewind button here, no pause and no fast forward.

We can observe the past as a wonderful thing, as the center of our life and existance: we live because we lived in other times and moments. But will you let past get a hold of your life? That route sends you to sadness, madness and fear to the present moment. Fear of hearing that clock tick?

As love, as time, it all rushes through your hands as water. We see those drops fall and land on the ground and desintegrate. And our memory and heart want them back, but it is no more, nothing is but nothing. Love is an intense gap in our lives, and it is enjoyable, lovable, desireable. You may want to repeat it, as segregated substances in your brain create an addiction to love. Yes, you can become a love addict. Its no drug, but we sometimes need it so much, we feel lonely as it vanishes. Love, as life, is impermanent.

Impermanence, you exist and then you vanish. As sand washes away as waves hover over them to takes it away. As the flower that blooms and then rots into the earth. Life is impermanent, it is brief, and valuable. When you understand life's fragile aspect, you will learn how to respect your life, and of others. You will observe life as a miracle. It is, indeed. But we have so much to do, so many things to get over with, as this demanding technological world we live in craves for a satisfaction we can barely give. We can't find anything better in life if we don't look at it as it is. Observe life as life. Observe those little ants die as you crush them. Observe the little butterfly evolve from its cocoon. It is wonderful, get out there, live life!

I know I don't, I am a trouble-minded person. I always think of how my life could be better. I know that a vibrant social life will make me good, but I am shy. I may have felt the first love rush, but I can't find any satisfaction as I deeply hate myself for loving someone who's faults and troubles only makes our life worse. That is what I think, but it is totally inverted, I am only watching the background of the whole scene, not the abstact perspective of it. I am the one who has a cavity in my soul. I am not religious, but I have my own beliefs. I say I am not silent at all in any situation, but it is me who is deaf from the loud noise of my own silence. I regret falling in love with the wrong people, but it is me who doesn't see the true goodness in those I fall in love with. I am sorry for having a blog, but it is one of the ways I can show the depth of the hole I have within.

Therefore, how can I live life, as I know how troubled I am with it?

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I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. . .