If only you could see, what I have seen through your eyes . . . | Permalink

And down the stairs I went and came upon Mana. She was among a few others, blocking half the stairs. I saw her eyes, which froze me for a moment, as I walked the final steps before I stop. How sad, those eyes of hers, not those I used to know, not those I used to respond along with a shy smile.

The real scent of life is what is now happening, what is now around us, what we have become inside the ecosystem we have etched and recreated from long time ago. We understand what is happening when looking at life's impermanence, which can be erased by only waving a hand through sand, which can be observed as delicate and painful. No, life is strong and tough, we must fight against and through it, to have a better present. Past is gone, there is nothing we can do to change it. Past is dead, let it rot in peace. The only thing you have now is the present. The future will become present in due time, just don't sweat it, but still be ready for it.

And there I was, looking at those greenish eyes, not anymore enlightened with happiness, but with darkness. The breakdown I suffered lately has eroded myself, and I, crippled, was before my past. Mana is a living being, which I loved a year ago, with a soul and a mind, a contemporary symbol of fertility and humanity. After summer 2005, she was also hit from my AT Barrier, and we both fell apart. My damaged mind observes the shattered reality I have recreated, wishing so much for it to become like it was in winter and spring 2005. I miss it.

I am being too idealist, hiding away from my flaws that are exposed to everybody. As I try to push myself too hard, the only thing I am doing is to hurt myself. I try to be more calm, more peaceful, but my inner self is corrupted and is exploding inside. I want to shout, to scream, to insult and to destroy everything, and myself. I am too solitaire, and too far away from what really concerns humanity. Even if I die, it won't matter very much to others. And still, by even thinking this, I become more depressed. The real problem is me, myself and I. I understand that what I am now is what I have left behind in the past, and if I look back, there is not much behind. I am too afraid of others, and too afraid of breaking rutine, I am afraid I might fail and let others down. I don't like to be alone, although I am. I miss that wonderful human warmth within, which gives you peace, which gives you love. I miss it, but I'm too shy.

Why have I created this reality I dislike? I feel so ashamed of myself, knowing that these obstacles have been set up by my own self, not others, but my own soul. The shattered reality I live in is just a set up to face myself. I am my only enemy, and I am my only comrade. And my mind, soul and spirit are the moderators of this battle, which will foretell my destiny. But, is there another way to face myself, my alter ego? No, I think there isn't any other way, just going straightly, directly, into the core of the source of the problem.

I know that I am not sending good frequencies right now, my wave energies are modified, and now I must concentrate and focus on the problem. Others might feel my bad energy, so do my amatists, they seem really wierd when I walk near them. Some know how bad I feel, but are not aware of the battle within. It's like this thing inside me fighting to get out, and I don't think it is good. I sense its violence and hate, its heat and desire for revenge. I am afraid it will break loose, and that one day it will destroy everything near me, my friends, my family, my dear ones, myself. Can't you see I am being corrupted inside? Can't you feel the sorrow, the pain, the darkness of being lost inside? I am lost, such a little pebble in the desert of life. Is there anwhere else to go? I don't think so, just here. The only place left to be is where I am now. I can't let evil reign over me, I can't and won't let those corrupted beings control me, and I will stand still before them, unbreakable and unbeatable. If only I could, what a shame.

I walked away from Mana to the battle of my life. So sad I felt as I walked into oblivion, into the reality as it is, deep within me. I am sorry Mana, for me, for all of us. Thank you for making my life so wonderful in the past, and for making me realize of my biggest flaw, my soul and body dominated by my mind. As I fall apart slowly, I know that I can still patch myself up from what I have at reach. Thank you Mana, I still wish to be by your side, always. As I reconsctruct myself, there will be a different reality, and a new life. Thank you everybody for helping me know myself, what an idiot I am sometimes, and what a genius I am when I am in a good mood. Thank you, I love you all.