Promenade of life | Permalink

I woke up late, I was afraid I had done something so bad, so bad, that I trembled and had my eyes wide open. I walked outside and looked at the sky. Nothing. There was nothing in the sky but a blanket of grey. It was 12 o'clock, still, nothing that looked like the sun was there. I walked downstairs in pain, I was very hungry, I was going to have lunch in 2 hours but that didn't matter much as I ate cereal with freezing milk. I drank my juice, which had its contents already separated since it was served, early in the morning, from density differences. I stared and looked the world outside, it was still there.

I felt as if I was born again. I thought I died last year, but I'm still here, and the world still orbits around the Sun and we all move at incredible speeds into the darkness of space. I thought I was running away from somebody, and that was myself. I felt so scared but glad that I was still here. I don't know if I came out of a parallel universe into this reality I live in with many others. I don't know if even this world I live in is real. What is reality, once you've lost what you are and hold. What is reality once you don't feel your surroundings? Is there such thing as reality, or is it just the masterwork of our sick, complex minds?

Once I die, where will my body go? Where will I go? Where will I rendez-vous with my long dead fellows? If I die, what will I leave behind? As we beings are impermanent, the only thing we can do is to leave good things behind, a legacy.

We are pedestrians walking through the promenade of life. We are pebbles among the boulders of existance. Some of them try to get higher and higher but some prefer to stay low. And I was one of them, until I was hungry for life. I once turned to the dark side, to the underground, to hide from life's harshness. I walked to hell as I was about to become desintegrated into nothing. That was my wish before, to get out of this horrible life I lived in. I wished with all my might I could get out of this reality, which was deformed with sadness and anguish. I was about to launch myself into oblivion but then, somehow, my own self opened my eyes. "There is another way out". Was there really any other exit? Yes, there was. Now, after becoming catapulted into the summit of my adolescent life, my life oscilloscope has become flat, not dead, but neutral.

Neutral, but with a bipolarity that resembles much like that mental problem million have around the world, mental bipolarity. One may become euphoric at a moment, a crazy maniac that had consumed too much caffeine, and then become dark, corrupted, depressed, destroyed inside, as fast as light travels around the universe. I recieve stimuli that enables activity that keeps me working, but when I go to bed I feel darkness as a blanket over my eyes, and a blank emptiness as I remember 2005.

2005 was the year I recognized the good and the flaws of the human heart. I also became complemented and understood what responsibilities I had to carry under such special condition. Still, I looked back and refused to acknoledge what I had with Mana in 2005, and became neutral, blank. I felt as if, after summer 2005, my spirit was crushed and my inspiration erased. I didn't feel good, and neither did Mana. You may call it a depression, but it was not so intense as the first one. And now, as Mana is away, and I am here, with my cold hands, I wish with all my might that I could reunite with Mana and complement each other. As I miss her, I will write and compose a piece for her. The new album is being made slowly, as I am currently trying new programs to do new music. I remember: ". . . music, food and love. . . I recognized it as a method of complementation". Mana! I miss you! I regret enclosing myself into my AT-Field, which blew our relationship away!

And now that I have understood what is going on with me, the only thing I want to do is to live, along with Mana, to just be.


. . .

Just be - Dj Tiësto


You can travel the world
but you can't run away
from the person you are
in your heart.

You can be who you want to be,
make us believe in you,
keep all your light in the dark.

If you're searching for truth
you must look in the mirror
and make sense of what you can see.

Just be, just be.

They say: learning to love yourself
is the first step
that you take when you want to be real.

And flying on planes to exotic locations
won't teach you how you really feel.

Face up to the fact
that you are who you are
and nothing can change that belief.

Just be, just be.

'Cause now I know,
it's not so far
to where I go.
The hardest part
is inside me.

I need to just be

Just be.

I was lost and
I'm still lost.
But I feel so
much better.