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Hello friends.
I have been over at the 4-ch.net forums, spending some quality time writing really interesting posts. I came across this thread in the Love & Romance board in which a person was asking wether having loved is better than not having loved. The thread is located at http://4-ch.net/love/kareha.pl/1169826168/

I just wanted to vomit some of the poison from inside, and found a little opportunity of doing so in that forum. And now, in this blog.

Oh, just before you read, don't mind my swearing and possible grammatical/vocabulary mistakes.

Opening post: [Del]

Well, what's your opinion? Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

Also, does this only apply to active love, when you're going out and are a recognised couple, or do crushes apply as well?

As for me, I've never been in active love, but I have been in love. I think that it was a good feeling to experience, no matter if I "lost" it, or not.

My response:

I once fell in love, around 9th grade (fresh XD). A few words to describe its plotline: introduction: the group "grupito", first contact: old lover letter, discovery: MSN assault, ISS sunrise, cold December, experiment, the shadow, the broken sky, black July, the blank response, post mortem ...

Yeah, well, I could say that I dumped her because of my own faults. I was stupid enough to dump the girl most guys would die for o_O beautiful, slim, cute, literate, etc. Why did I escape? Seriously, I escaped from her because I was so afraid of going into a black hole by just being with her. And, before I say anything else, we were quite close, and I could bet a lot that she was MAD for me, but I never, or rather face-to-face, asked her to: "expand our relation, to an upper level". I was just a misunderstood emo-geek-nerd-cold bastard, living with this collar tight to my neck. I really knew my relationship with her could go really really far (and by far I mean sex or something similar (15 year old already?! WTF!?!!)).

I know that after dumping her I hit her hard. HARD!! She was lost, going awful at school, depressed, etc. She even hooked up to a weird guy that talked really gay, but was straight (I still look at that guy and my "ex" having these strange ways of communicating: they would suddenly break from the crowd to talk something in private, he would start to behave weird, and my "ex" would just stare and nod. Hmmm, I'm such a fag.

I think it's time that I answered that question. I dumped her because I, sort of, got lost. The torrent of feelings would go from full throttle to nothing very quickly, and I would just go through my days in "auto-pilot". I was so awfully twisted back then, and decided to make this "experiment" on her. The experiment was designed in order to cause an impact or spark in her, which would draw her closer to me, because it seemed as if I was just going towards her, not equally. I overheard some of her conversations, and found out that she really noticed that I was not talking to her anymore, and that I was running away from her.

Seriously, NEVER DO THAT TO A GIRL IF YOU INTEND TO CONTINUE FOR MONTHS! NEVER PLAY WITH A HUMAN'S FEELINGS, EITHER MALE OR FEMALE. Man, I was such an idiot. XD

Then it was summer. I would just stay online for weeks, leaving the computer running all the time, playing MMORPGs and blogging. I was so depressed. Then, about the first day of school, I saw her carrying bags filled with books, she was wearing a white hoody, and said hi. I simply, with a blank face, said hi. She froze, I could tell from her body: getting stiff, rigid. She probably stayed like that for half a second. Then, I turned and walked away. WHAM! The End.

Man!! I'm such a bastard!!! X( I so fucking hate myself for doing that. Now, it's too late to repair the damage.

Well, I know from this experience, the first real love of my life, that getting to know what loving is is awe-inspiring. Having loved helps to build your being and maturity. Not having loved is a somewhat unlucky, but sometimes love comes by unexpectedly. In my situation, before and after my biggest mistake, I noticed/heard/was told that many girls fell in love with me, but would never make anything to go close to me (at least, that was what I percieved). Down here in Mexico, shy boys are rather a nuisance, and are destined to go to the gallows. But I was brought up differently, so I looked at things the other way around ._. Maybe I was too shy/cold/deattached? Sure, shy guys are tough, as well as shy girls. u_u

Now I wonder, will love ever come by my whereabouts again?

I really always wanted to write that sad episode of my life. And now, I am thinking of posting this same post on my blog. Thank you >>1




I am sorry. I sometimes need to get some of those dark animals making a racket down there in my soul. There are some days in which I just can't do anything and live in an idle status, just let my brain and my body do the job, while my consciousness and soul tremble, cry, kick, punch, yell, scream and bleed. Life is not easy ._.